Have I prayed as much as I have complained it?

There are times when I really feel like giving up. There are times that I feel like why do in the world I have to do this. There are times when I feel like regretting the pathway I have chosen. To sump up, lately I feel like these three buzzing around me. Feeling lost, I once got out of the room, and puff, I have to stop asking myself where am I and which path am I walking?

Today, I walked down the street at 21.30 from study centre. My mind wandered around.

‘I hate the fact that I did not write anything, not a single word. I managed to read then write, edit and delete them all’.

‘I hate the fact that it was cold. I had to wear like 2 jumpers, one coat, a thick scarf, Long Jhon and Jeans, 3 pairs socks, ankle boots, gloves and a beanie”.

‘I hate the fact that I should have been staying in Hotel Niagara Parapat with Kalam Kudus Teachers celebrating the teachers day. If I were still with them, I should be given flowers and cards. I am jealous, I am sorry’.

‘I hate the fact that if I were at my previous office, I should have been sleeping at this time. Tomorrow is Saturday so I do not have to wake up early. To put it another way, I could stay at my bed as long as I want’.

‘I hate the fact that Christmas is around the corner and I won’t be able to make it home. I miss home’

I kept walking and keep saying that I am tired. ‘I am sorry, I am tired’

’20 pence change please…’ A homeless voice surprised me. He was sitting shivering with his rucksack. Uncut hair and beard with torn shoes.

I feel like being slapped right in my face, I cried.

My eyes are wide opened, yet I have not seen. I see what I want to see not what I need to see. My years are perfectly given, but I hear what I want to hear not what I need to hear.

Now I hate the fact that I keep saying I am tired, I hate the fact that I have not tried the best I can. I haven’t absolutely.  I hate the fact that I have not prayed  as much as I have complained. I hate the fact that I must write a lot of ‘hate’ words.

I took days to keep silent to myself. It feels like I and myself are in two different directions. One that says, ‘you fool, why choosing this way before?’ Another one that says ‘have you been thankful today?’.

I come to realize , while I laugh today, someone out there is crying. While I sadly walking with my smoky cold breath, someone out there has his last breath. While I walk with my boots, someone out there must use wheelchair or stick to move. While I sit in front of the computer reading, typing and deleting, someone out there could not even go to school. While I eat my food today, someone out there barely has eaten anything for days.

Countless night I have prayed to be here, thousand of teardrops have been shed to be here, countless restless day I had passed to be here.

I am sorry, I am sorry…

I shouldn’t have been selfish, I shouldn’t have my world rotate around me…

I am wrong. I have got thousands reasons to be thankful.

Dear myself,

Won’t you stop now?? Let’s make peace between us! Let us live thankfully…

………………..

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